dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
