I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
