Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
