It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
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If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
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I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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