my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
