just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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