I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
