i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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