I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
