There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
