Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
