just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
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