So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
