she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
