I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
