Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
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I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
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You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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