I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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