I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
