Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
