I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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