there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
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i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
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Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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