She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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