I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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