I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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