Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
