I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
