So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
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I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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