Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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