i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
