im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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