So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
