I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
being pregnant is like rehab
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
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