last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you didnt know i had herpes?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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