That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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