well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
