so that wasnt chicken after all
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
