woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
