Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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