So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
