That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
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His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
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Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
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