I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
