He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
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I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
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I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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