somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Randomize
