wanna go halves on a baby?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
