I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
