Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
