My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
