Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
