life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
