You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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