I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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