I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
sarcasm needs its own font
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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