somebody snuck up and got me drunk
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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