somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
