He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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