My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
