Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm sobbing to NWA