Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.