The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
