I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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