So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
