it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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