ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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