Rock
Scissors
Fuck
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
