Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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