The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
