My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
